my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
