I cannot find my penis.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
