see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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