tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I need to stop coming to work sober
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How does one acquire holy water?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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