that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
