Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
