ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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