I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
