Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
