He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
