You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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