I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
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Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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