I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize