I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
