Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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