u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
