Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
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I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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