Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
