turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
