On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
