I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
