Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
