sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
