So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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