At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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