haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
