Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
