This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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