Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
