I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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