Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
