She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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