She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
