she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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