you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
