i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
