I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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