I think I won the penis lottery.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
