Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
