wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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