no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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