His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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