I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
