All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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