all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
so much tequila, so little girl.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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