Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
