marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think my moral compass just broke
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
