I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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