I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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