i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
