This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
