today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
