is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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