I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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