Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
