You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
