I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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