now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Too much gin, very little bucket
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
