today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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